5 Things to Consider When you Become a Parent

 **Collaborative Post**

AD: Becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes we can make in our lives, it takes us from people to parents, from an independent to having someone dependent on us. So it of course goes without saying that when a baby or a child comes into our lives everything changes, and we ourselves have to make some big changes too. This might include moving home for more space, taking out life insurance for peace of mind or finding a new job, to name a few. 

If you are about to become a new parent and are wondering what changes you might need to make to your lifestyle keep reading below. 

18 goals for 2018!

Can you believe we are already a few days into 2018 already!? 2017 seemed to fly by so quickly one minute it was summer, then it felt like I blinked, and we were hauling the tree down from the loft!

As big ben chimed midnight on New Year's eve, I had already thought of some goals for New Year including some blog goals and some personal goals, these are more general lifestyle goals and ones to work on all year long though. So, when I was tagged by the lovely Laura from Dear Bear and Beany to share the 18 things I would love to do or achieve during 2018 it got me thinking about some of the smaller things I would love to be able to tick off or achieve this year, so here they are...

5 things I have learnt since becoming a mum.

Being a parent is one of the most magical experiences but its certainly no fairy-tale story either. I has this perfect image in my head when I was pregnant about how life would be and what kind of parent I would be once baby came along. Lets just say we left that fairy-tale at the hospital. My heart has never been so full of love and my home full of laughter until the kids came along but here are some of the things I have learnt since having children...

Motherhood - A lonely journey.

There are many things our friends, family, health professionals etc tell us about and prepare us for during pregnancy and once we have a new baby. But for me the feeling of loneliness was one I was definitely not prepared for nor did anyone tell me about.

When my first baby arrived I would trap myself in the house, it was my safe place. A place where I didn't have to pretend to be happy and perfect, I didn't have to pretend to have it all under control. I could stay in my pyjamas and feel safe and un-judged. The days were long, really long and I would be counting down the minutes until my husband would walk through the door from work and I could speak to another adult and I was no longer "alone". It was like this wave of relief would hit me as soon as he walked in the door. Another person to talk to, to help, to understand how utterly daunting this journey is and to almost pass the reins on to each evening.

I felt ashamed that I often resented the life I had. I struggled to adapt and questioned whether parenting was really for me. I knew there are people out there who would give the world to have a baby and here I was wishing my days away until my husband would get home, struggling with something I had been led to believe would come naturally. I guess its hard when you just want to give this new baby everything and all the love you have, to find time to love yourself and give yourself a bit of TLC.

In the beginning just after my husband went back to work, adjusting was hard! I had suddenly gone from working 6 days a week surrounded by adults and having a role and an importance to being a mum in what felt like an isolating and lonely place. For a while being a mum felt like the most difficult job in the world and I was a complete novice, except unlike in a job where someone was there to guide you I was alone in a scary, new situation.

Whilst the daunting fear of looking after a new baby did go and it did get a little easier once we had found some sort of routine, the loneliness was still very much there and now a new feeling had crept in, I was jealous of my husband! Yep as crazy as that sounds I was jealous that he got to leave the house, alone! He got to have some Independence at work and talk to other adults, he got a break from the nappy changing, the feeding and the constant need to care for someone so dependent on you. I became resentful and at times it would feel like I had cut the raw deal out of this parenting malarkey.

Parenting is not always the easy journey so many programs and people make it out to be! For some people that love is instant but for others it takes a while. For some people they slip in to a routine and have it all under control. For others like myself it takes time, there are other feelings that seem to overwhelm us like the fear or the loneliness.

James is now 7 and Evelyn 2.5 years old and it has most definitely got easier. I still get a little jealous that my husband gets to get out of the house and have some time away but I certainly don't resent him anymore. The loneliness is much easier too, I definitely found with my second baby that I had more confidence to approach mums and just be me, I felt more confident in my parenting choices which certainly helped me doubt myself less too. I worried less about being the perfect mum and focused more on just being the mum I wanted to be and not what I thought I had to be.

Mums and Dads there is no right or wrongs to parenting, that's why there's no manual or guide (unfortunately!). Each journey is unique in its own way and we will all encounter a rocky path or mountain we need to navigate at some point. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids any more or less, it doesn't mean you are any less a parent or that you don't deserve it just as much as anyone else.

This is our journey as totally exhausting, lonely, emotional and magical it may be. Don't be afraid to speak out, ask for help or just shout from the roof tops just how your feeling! Those feeling of loneliness are totally normal and caring for a tiny new totally dependent little person is draining more mentally and physically then we can ever really prepare for.

Sometimes we just have to remember to cut ourselves a break and give ourselves a little bit of that love too!


xXx

Some days I want to "quit" being a parent!

Before I became a parent I worked in a local cafe for several years and believe me there were times then when I could have thrown off my apron and yelled I quit and a swiftly exited the building, I didn't. However since becoming a parent I have never felt the want to quit some days like I have now.

Don't get me wrong being at work has its own set of challenges and I am in no way saying it easy, but there is something about the 24/7 job of being a parent that makes me want to yell "I QUIT" as soon as my husband walks through the door.

I love my kids don't get me wrong, they make me smile on days I didn't think it possible they make me laugh and make me so proud all the time. However they also drive me mad sometimes! Take today for example I was awoken at 6am because James and Evelyn were bickering over who gets to play with the slimy plastic slug James had acquired free with a magazine first. I just led there for a moment thinking "really" is this really what my life has become im listening to people arguing over a slug!

Its the monotonous things like the never ending washing pile, the never ending school, swimming, after school club runs that seem to multiply each week. Its the loneliness and the fact the only person you have to hold a conversation with is a 2 year old who just wants Bing Bunny. Its the bickering over silly little things which you feel like burning just to end the shrieking. We don't quit though we keep going because we kind of have too.

So does that make me a bad parent? Maybe in some peoples eyes but do I mind no not really. Im not perfect, far from it in fact. Im just a mum trying to do her best and some days I want to quit I want to throw it all in and if that means I don't get to be in the "perfect mum brigade" so be it. I would much rather be honest and tell other mums that its ok to feel this way its ok to feel like you can't wait for the day to end. Its ok to want to quit sometimes and it doesn't make you a bad parent far from it it makes you real it makes you normal.

But really I will never quit! Being a mum is the hardest most emotionally challenging job I think I will ever be faced with but in reality its the most rewarding too. When they are all grown up and I think about those tough days when I wanted to throw in the towel I will wonder what all the fuss was about. When I gaze at these grown children I can take credit in the fact that I was there to watch them grow, to help them learn and in the future, I will be there to tell them that being a parent in hard and nobody is perfect and that is ok!

Chin up mums and dads we can do this!

xXx

Coping with an Age Gap!

There is an almost 5 year age gap between James and Evelyn with James being the oldest at 6 and a half and Evelyn almost 2. 

I didn't plan to have such an age gap in fact I didn't really plan at all. I fell pregnant with James when I was just 18 and whilst unexpected I now wouldn't change him for the world! Being so young made me realise I didn't want to rush in to having more kids just because of an age gap. I wanted to wait until I was ready, until I felt ready to make that big leap in to becoming a mum of 2. 

It took us quite a while to conceive Evelyn when we finally decided we were ready, which also widened the gap between them and when she eventually came along it was the summer before James was due to start Primary school. 

Of course with James being a little older it was nice that he could understand a little more about the fact he was going to become a big brother and he was so excited to meet his new baby sister. I worried the whole time I was pregnant though about him feeling pushed out, it had been just him for so long how would he feel about sharing me. 

When Evelyn came along James was amazing with her, he couldn't wait to meet her and was so gentle and protective over her whenever he was around. You could just tell how proud he was at being a big brother which did make me feel much better about the situation. We also always made sure we made some time that he have one on one time with just us when Evelyn was in bed so he knew he still had our attention too which definitely helped. 

I am not going to lie though having the age gap is tough especially now at this sort of age. Evelyn is at an age where she wants to be involved in everything everyone else is doing, mostly her brother! Whereas James wants a bit of Independence he is much older and doesn't want to play the baby games that Evelyn is able to do. As a parent its trying to waiver on that thin line between encouraging them to play together and letting them have their own time and space. 

For example we went to a soft play a few days ago, this posed another problem. The soft play centres James likes are huge, high and pretty dangerous for Evelyn, of course they have baby sections but Evelyn doesn't want to be in those if James isn't. However the soft play's that are suitable for Evelyn are much to babyish for James who then bores easily in them. Such a simple thing such as soft play becomes a nightmare of feeling like someone if missing out, its toughie but we have managed to find a few places that meet in the middle and keep them both happy. 

James is also at school now and with school comes after school clubs including swimming clubs and Beaver scouts. I do feel for Evelyn a little and she often gets carted along to these as her dad is at work and I have to take James. As there is such an age gap none of these clubs are suitable for Evelyn which means she is often bored and spends more time than I would like her to in the pushchair whilst we watch or wait around for James. 

Of course there are perks to the age gap too. As James is older is easier to explain to him about why we have to do things. He helps play with Evelyn so I can do the washing up and watching him be so protective over her is so beautiful. Evelyn dotes on her big brother which is so wonderful and I think this is partly because hes that bit older than her and she looks up to him. 

I have found there doesn't seem to be as much arguing between them either. Perhaps because the toys Evelyn has James doesn't want and the toys James has Evelyn doesn't know how to use! I am certain the arguing with come later though and of course they do still argue usually over food or bed time! 

People ask would I change the age gap and my simply answer is no! Yes its hard, really hard sometimes actually but I definitely didn't feel ready for another when James was younger and I am glad I didn't push myself to have another just for a small age gap. I think for me I feel it would have been even harder with 2 when I wasn't mentally prepared for another child than it is with a bigger age gap. 

Whilst there are tough days there are amazing days too though! James is adorable with his sister when they are getting on and watching him teach her and her intently listening fills me with pride. Knowing that she has a brother that little bit older to guide her through the world with that little bit of extra knowledge behind him makes me love them both a little more. 

When people ask the question "whats the best age gap?" my answer is there is no "perfect" age gap. With any age gap will come hard days and situations as well as positives. You just have to do what feels right for you and your family. 

xXx

Invisible Mum

When I first fell pregnant I was just 18, it certainly wasn't a planned pregnancy and I was in full time work and living the life of any other 18 year old.

Of course when I fell pregnant those boozy nights out with friends stopped and as my growing bump grew and became ever tired I seemed to slip further and further away from my friends. Being just 19 throughout most of my pregnancy meant none of my friends had any children yet, in fact I think it may have been the furthest thing from their mind!

As my pregnancy progressed I began feeling more and more lonely and when I finally finished work for maternity leave, my last point of daily contact to other adults, to my friends ended. At the time I buried my head in to preparing for the arrival of my newborn, setting up a home that we had not long moved in too and nurturing my growing bump. I had convinced myself that once baby was here I would be able to get out more, see friends more and all would return to normal.

This was totally naive from my point and not the case at all. Of course when baby first arrived people came, they wanted to meet baby and offered advice and help and reassured me they would be there if I needed anything. As most mums will know after that initial"new baby rush" of visitors they begin to thin out, people return to their normal lives and you are left alone trying to adapt to having a new baby and becoming a mum.

I was scared, I felt alone and whilst I had my husband he was at work a lot of the time and the friends I thought would stick around had pretty much forgotten about us. I knew that whilst I could still stay in contact with my old friends they were now leading a different lifestyle to me, following a different path to me and my baby.

I had read and seen all of those stories about mum groups and meeting for coffees and play dates, mums nights out and this amazing support network which I assumed would just happen, it doesn't! Attending mum and baby groups is of course a great way to start in making new friends but these can be daunting and scary too and it doesn't just happen. I suffered with post-natal depression with my first baby which made going to groups even harder, a lot of days I didn't want to leave the house and when I did I just didn't have the confidence to throw myself into groups and conversations to make friends.

I quickly got disheartened when I would see groups of mums together and would feel I didn't really fit and its hard to feel confident especially when you are juggling a newborn and still finding your feet as a parent. It took time but I soon realised it was better just to be myself rather than trying to be the friend I thought everyone wanted to be. I took time away from others to become confident in my parenting and in myself and then went back to groups with a new attitude. Most people who attend these groups are just like you they join them to make friends, they probably have questions and worries just like you. Be yourself and relax us mums need to stick together on what can already be a very lonely journey.

I have been so lucky this second time round in that I have found some lovely friends who are parents themselves and it really does make all the difference. Knowing I have friends to turn to who know exactly what I am rambling on about when I talk about no sleep, cleaning wotsits from the carpet and the colour of poo and not think i have gone mad!

Being a parent is tough and its not all plain sailing and play dates, its hard but there is a light at the end of the tunnel we just have to want to see it. Don't put to much pressure on yourself to make friends just be yourself, those who are worth being friends with will accept you for exactly who you are sleep deprived rants and all.

Did you find it difficult to make friends when you first became a mum? Any tips or advice for new mums?

xXx

Viewing the world through the eyes of our Children

As a mum of two with one who is at school I often find myself with plenty to do to keep me busy and often leaves me unable to see past our day to day needs, this means we are often rushing places like the school run and doctors appointments. Whilst Evelyn was little this wasn't really an issue she would either be in the pushchair or in the sling and I could continue at my normal pace. However now that she can walk its all she wants to do and of course I want to encourage her so things have been taking a little while longer recently.

Whilst running some of our usually errands I realised something, I had been so busy rushing along scooping Evelyn up in my arms when we had been in a rush and she was taking a little too long looking at another leaf or stone, I hadn't really thought about how the world looks through her eyes.

The simple things that I pass each day that don't seem important to me are all brand new to Evelyn, they are interesting and fun and I had been dragging her away from all these things taking away the opportunity to explore and learn!
That tree that you pass most days might be a mighty oak with a story to tell to a child who marvels at how tall the tree is and how big the branches are that stretch up to the sky. The leaves she wants to crunch in for an extra few minutes are crunchy and beautiful with all of their different colours but we just breeze through them on our way. The noises we hear, the animals we pass and the smells we all take for granted, a child wants to know, wants to explore and whats to sense and experience what these things are and who are we to stop them. After all isn't that part of life shouldn't we be encouraging them and supporting them in finding out about the world we live in and all that it offers us.

I love hearing my children's tales of their day which may often for us adults have just been an ordinary day but for a child it could have been magical and amazing. Listening to James tell me stories of his day has made me realise I need to listen more, ask more and talk less. I want to hear about the world through his eyes and perhaps we as adults can learn something about the magic of the world through the eyes of our children.

Children can often teach us things we don't even realise we are lacking, the joys in simple things like sand in our toes the smell of fresh grass and laughter for no apparent reason. They make us realise there is beauty in the most ordinary objects and they make us realise that taking time to just breathe, enjoy and laugh can make us feel like a whole new person inside and out.

I have promised myself and the kids that from now on I will try and leave a little more time for our journey so that we can appreciate the world together. I want to crunch in the leaves, marvel at the trees, stare at the swooping birds and appreciate the daisies that we see each day. Just because we see something all of the time doesn't make it any less special. I want to make our journeys adventures as each day is a new adventure for a toddler like Evelyn and hand in hand we will enjoy it together.

Have you ever thought about how the world must appear to your child?

xXx

An open letter to my baby on our "Tough Days".

Oh Evelyn, 

Today has been tough you have decided you no longer want milk yet you won't settle to sleep without it. You have been whingy, tired and so so unsettled. Its made me question my self not only as a parent or the way I parent but as a person and who I am. 

This isn't our first tough day and I am certain it won't be our last. I know that the world is so new to you and I will bare with you whilst you discover it. I will be by your side to offer cuddles when you can't sleep and I will scoop you off the floor when you tantrum. Just bare with me to Evelyn as being a mum is new to me too, your so different from you brother who was so chilled and relaxed. Evelyn you want all of my attention all of the time which makes these tough days so much harder as you only want your mum and sometimes mummy needs a break too. 

When your sad and I can't comfort you its breaks me inside, in my head im referring back to these pictures on social media of happy children and smiling families. We don't often see the "tough days" on Facebook or Twitter and I have to remind myself that these days are very real for everyone. 

When you go off to bed some nights I sit in the dark and I have a few tears its not because I don't love you, my gosh far from it! Its because I love you so much! I realise that if these days are tough for me they must be even harder for you, at just 18 months old everything is new, rules cannot be understood and tears are your way of telling me something is wrong.

Today has been tough but tomorrow is new so tonight when I settle you down and wipe both our tears lets wake up with smiles and remember today is a new day, it make be tough or it may be great but remember I always love you! 

xXx

My reality of being a stay at home parent.

Before I start I would just like to say this isn't a post about bashing a person about the way they parent. It isn't a post about which way is best it is just my thoughts as a stay at home mum! As mums we all make decisions that are best for our families at the time whether it be staying at home or going to work.

From the outside it may look like I have it pretty good. My husband goes off to work whilst I get to stay home and look after the kids.

I have all that precious time with my babies and don't get my wrong I feel so truly blessed to be able to have that time and that connection with them. However its not all days at the park and sunshine, sometimes I feel totally lost in my world of being "mum". My days are often ruled my meal times, nap times, tantrums and school runs and whilst it is extremely rewarding it can be lonely sometimes too.

I miss the conversation with actual adults, now don't get me wrong I do see other adults, I have conversations with other adults. However these are usual "play dates" with our children and our conversations are more rants about how little sleep we have had as we try and dislodge our child from the ball pit they have become stuck in at the soft play, or a half-hearted conversation which can barely be heard over the screams of your over tired, possibly hungry child.

I am also always wondering whether I am doing a good enough job! This may sound silly but at work if your doing well or not so well you get told and you know about it, you can put it right and get back on track. However being a stay at home mum means I don't really have that reassurance which certainly makes way for the insecurity and doubt in my parenting abilities. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me im doing OK or my children are right on track.

Being a stay at home mum can be lonely! Whilst I am sure people have visions of us stay at home mums visiting parks and soft plays in large groups all having a coffee and a get together that's really not very realistic, well for me anyway. In the early days I spent most of my days in the house, alone and counting down the hours til my husband got home from work just for a bit of company.

Of course don't get me wrong I adore being able to be at home with my children, watching them hit their milestones and being able to watch them grow and I am extremely grateful for that, it can be and really is so rewarding. I have met some fantastic other mummy friends and if I could give anyone one bit of advice it would be to push yourself to get out to baby groups/ parenting meet ups etc, you will be surprised at how much better you can feel talking to other mums and realising you are not alone in how you feel.

I just want people to realise its not always as good as what it may seem. Being a stay at home mum can be a lonely, daunting and stressful job too!.

Are you a stay at home mum? Do you have any tips for other mums?

xXx

Caboodle change bag **REVIEW**

I have to admit I am a bit of a change bag addict so when I noticed a review opportunity for the Caboodle every day changing bag I jumped at the chance!

Since becoming a mummy a handbag is something that I have done without instead opting for a change bag that can fit both mine and babies things in. I like my change bags to be spacious, hard wearing and in a design that isn't to babyish.

Upon receiving the Caboodle everyday change bag my first thoughts were that it looked huge! There seemed to be plenty of room for both mine and babies needs plus extra. In fact after some investigation we discovered you really can fit loads in this bag! I managed to fit all of my essentials (phone, purse, keys etc) plus Evelyn's essentials (nappies, wipes, change of clothes, snacks, beaker, muslin cloths, and a toy) and we still had more room!

If you still aren't convinced check out this video from the Caboodle website showing you just how much you can fit inside a Caboodle every day bag.

The bag is made from a coated nylon which makes it perfect use for a change bag as it can easily be wiped clean when needed. I received the change bag in the cream with black spots colour way however I felt that the cream was more of a beige / very pale brown colour rather than cream.

The bag features 2 front pockets which are fastened with poppers (I would have preferred zip pockets for safety but the bag does contain several other zip compartments), a main compartment which is fastened with a zip and several internal pockets. The bag even comes with a matching changing mat, bottle insulator bag and even a "grubby stuff" bag to place dirty clothes etc inside to keep them from getting the rest of your changing bag dirty so it really does contain everything you need!

The price of this bag is just £24 which I feel is a complete bargain for such a stylish, modern and spacious changing bag.

Why not check out the other designs available via the Caboodle website here - www.caboodlebags.co.uk

xXx

* I was not paid for this review. All opinions given are my own.

* If you would like me to review your product or service, please email me on xJessLegresleyx@hotmail.com.

Are you parenting the "right" way?

When it comes to parenting its something everyone seems to have an opinion on and lets face it there are so many decisions to make when it comes to making parenting choices.

For me there is only one way to parent.... YOUR way!

We are all different our children are not the same and neither you or your baby is a robot programmed to behave and react the same way as every other parent/ baby around. What works for some may not work for others and well that's ok!

So you chose to breastfeed your baby, well done you are giving your baby some lovely nutritious mummy milk and nurturing your child all by yourself good luck on your journey mummy, so you are giving your child formula well done you are feeding your child keeping them happy, content and daddy can help too well done mummy!

It frustrates me when mums attack other mums about their parenting choices, as mum's do we not already all realise just how HARD parenting is without being judged by the people we should be able to lean on for support!?

This is me and my babies and we look pretty happy right!? Can you tell how I parented my children? Can you tell is I breastfed or whether their bums were wrapped is cloth or disposables? Can you tell how I get them both to sleep at night.... No. But what you can see (hopefully) is 2 very happy smiley and pretty darn healthy babies with their very proud mummy. None of the above should matter can we not just support each other?

So whether you choose to breastfeed or bottle feed, cloth nappy or disposables, hypno-birth or c-section can we not all just support each other and our happy babies regardless of our choices. If you sat 10 babies in a row would you really be able to tell how each one was fed or how each one sleeps? Probably not!

After all aren't we all after the same goal happy and content children with happy and content parents? So lets support each other as parents and our happy healthy beautiful babies rather than judging others!

xXx